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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.